Wednesday, May 28, 2008

HOW TO CONTROL YOUR TEMPER

Yes, there are always those moments when you feel like slaughtering someone or yelling until you've lost your voice for weeks... but you have to take control over yourself, so here are some tips!
STEPS: 1. Realize that things can be handled well at all times; it's just a matter of what kind of attitude you put into it.Take deep breaths. 2. Be considerate of others, and ultimately, yourself. The way you react will ultimately affect your surroundings. If you have to rebuke someone for doing something wrong, you can always do it calmly, in a private place. This method is always better for everyone in the long run. 3. Realize that no one likes to be around people who get angry easily, and act abusive. The only way you can change the situation is by starting with yourself. 4. Get away from situations where your anger might get the better of you, such as when someone is teasing you. Ignore the other person and walk away. If you must, do this a few times until the person gets the hint that you will not tolerate it. It's okay to use your words or body language to tell somebody you will not tolerate how they are treating you, as long as you respond to them in a calm and matter of fact manner, without being overtly hurtful or trying to embarrass them as they have you. It's never okay to hit somebody for making fun. 5. Say, "peace" to someone who says something that is ignorant, and then walk away. 6. If you are angry and you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting then lie down. 7. Remember that the reward for patience is happiness. 8. Remember, 5 seconds stand between you and logic, count to 5, and remember that logic always beats anger.

TIPS: 1. When you feel like you are about to blow up, count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then decide how you will act. This doctor-recommended method has definitely helped, I can vouch for that. 2. When you are angry then your heart beats faster, you feel uneasy and you want to express it somehow. Stay calm and take deep breaths, close your eyes for a while and you will find that the situation is under your control and slowly you will master your anger.

WARNING: Although it may seem hard in the beginning, you will get it as long as you put yourself into it. No one wakes up one day as a changed person, and you can't learn a new skill in one day... and yes, learning to control your temper is definitely a skill because not everyone can do it, and it's a great thing to master, good for you and for others.

Monday, May 19, 2008

ATTITUDE - A Vital Ingredient In Your Life

The right attitude is very important for positive personal growth. Is yours positive or negative?

Wouldn't it be great if you could wave a magic wand and the child standing in front of you was no longer challenging you but was smiling and agreeing to help you with the housework? Wow now that would be good!!!
Too much to hope for do you think? Hmmmm maybe! But dreams are free! I can remember writing out a sign saying 'Attitude Is Everything'. I pinned it up on my son's bedroom wall.

Why? Well I hoped that it might be the encouragement he needed to say 'sure dad' when I asked him to tidy up his room.

Guess what? You got it - it didn't work! I thought it was such a good idea too! Of course it's not only children who seem to be disagreeable at times is it? Sometimes it's the grown ups! It's not always easy to be bubbly and think that life is just fantastic all the time is it?

Do you sometimes feel that nothing is going right for you? Is the glass always half empty and never half full. So what can you do when you have a problem with your attitude? It's important to realise that the success or failure in your life depends on how you see yourself.

Do you see yourself in a negative or positive way? Try to realise that you hold they key to your success or to your failure! Yes you do! The key is inside you. It's your mindset! If you think you can't do something then you are right. To gain success through attitude you have to believe anything is possible. If you reverse your thoughts and say that you can, then you will be able to do things that you didn't know you could.

Do you dream about being successful? If you do you will have to take responsibility for your actions and thoughts. Start thinking "I can and I will." Then start doing! Discover how capable you are when you have the "I can do anything attitude." Tell yourself that you can succeed at whatever you decide. Believe this. Don't listen to people who tell you not to do something because they don't think you are capable. Prove to yourself that you are capable - and do it! When you succeed, do something else. Prove that you can! Have confidence in yourself. You are responsible for your attitude. If you hear yourself saying something negative, say something positive in its place.

The choice is yours. You decide. Are you going to start believing in yourself? I hope so. You hold the key to your future development. Nobody else can give you your attitude. It is uniquely yours. Why not decide to make it a positive one? Let go of any negative thoughts that make you feel unhappy. With the right attitude you can achieve. Know in your heart that you are special. You are special to you. You are the most important person to you! Everyone comes second to you and that's how it should be. Once you are the way you want to be you can begin to take care of the other people in your life.

When you have a positive mental attitude, you will notice how other people react to you differently. They will like the new you when you have invested your time in your personal growth success! They really will!
Start today - give it a try!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING SOMETHING IN RETURN

Many people think that rich people are selfish, that’s why they have lots of money at hand. This may be true in some cases; however, there are a lot more individuals who are wealthy because they know how to give.

When you give something from your heart without expecting anything in return, you release a powerful force that will trigger your good deed to "bounce" back to you in amazing, and sometimes unusual ways.

Whenever possible, be generous in giving to others. You will notice that what you receive, or the return, will be more than what you give. As humans, we have the tendency to reciprocate what we receive. But don’t give for the sake of expecting something in return. Give freely from your heart, and the rewards would be greater.
The act of giving can summon the spirit of joy to come into your heart. How would you feel when you've given something to your less fortunate neighbors? Let me tell you that nothing could brighten up a day more than hearing them express their most heartfelt gratitude and seeing their smiles extend from ear to ear.

Giving is also a healthy habit. It could prolong your life by instilling within you an inner sense of peace and accomplishment.

What you give doesn’t necessarily have to be something material. It can also be time, effort, talent, service, or even an affectionate feeling.

Just like all things in life, giving has its limitations. Being too generous can have its toll. Your kindness might be taken advantage of and people might abuse your good intentions. Beware of individuals who are continuously seeking your aid. It's better to teach them how to solve their problems than to always attend to their needs.

As one saying goes ...

"Give them some fish and you'll feed them for a day. Teach them how to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime."

Lastly, here's what I consider the most important rule about giving. Keep your good deeds to yourself. Don't announce to the whole world that you've donated P100,000 to your favorite charity or that you've helped save a child from a life-threatening disease.

If you really desire to give, do it secretly and in private.

Some people would write "anonymous" rather than their own names when they've made a contribution. The universe smiles upon these individuals, and they will get their just rewards in due time.

Consider this: If you are on the giving end, doesn’t it mean that you are in a better position than the recipient? Doesn’t it complement your character?

THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

After 5 years of marriage I can honestly say that I would do it again. I'd marry the same woman without changing a thing. Well, maybe we would have spent our money a little more conservatively but as far as the the decision on marriage - it was a perfect one (no, I am not saying this because she reads Dumb Little Man!).
Unfortunately, as I consider our acquaintances and their marriages, it's clear that all marriages are not created equal. Cheating and chronic fighting surrounds us and often times we are stuck in the middle as these people come to us for advice.
Here are a handful of things that have become common themes. My assumption is that you've already talked about religion, having kids, sex, etc. If not, you really need to open up the communication.So before you say "I Do", make sure you have at least considered these:

1. Ability to Compromise: There are subtle changes that most people can make in their lives in order to make their spouse happy. This is part of the never ending compromise phase that is critical.
When single, I'd watch basketball games at hang with barkada's (friends) every Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes Thursday). Once married, I toned it down to one day. This is a manageable change that I was willing to make. However, had my wife insisted that I give up all sports entirely, I would have resisted and eventually resented her. That resent would have spread and ultimately influenced my overall attitude towards her.
The same is true for just about everything. The willingness of the other person to compromise today (of the lack thereof) and your reaction to it will prove to be a precedent setting event. If someone is absolutely unwilling to compromise on minor issues, you should expect the same for larger issues. Don't be shocked and appalled by it when it happens three years from now- you knew this going in and you accepted it!

2. Money - Yes, we all want it but once we have it who controls it. My wife started direct depositing her paychecks into my account after 3 months of dating. I actually don't recommend that so soon but she was bad with money and she admitted it. For us, it was a matter of getting our credit into shape (we had 640 credit and back then, now its 850 836) and we needed a strategy to pay off other things.
Once that debt was paid off and we moved into our house, I turned the finances back over to her after a crash course in on time payments and credit. I never looked back. I enjoyed the strategy part of it but not the day-to-day grind of bill paying. She actually enjoyed it because as a stay at home Mom, it gave her the insight she needed to plan for grocery purchases, clothes for the kids, etc.So before you get hitched, what is your plan today and 5 years from now? Who is handling what?

3. Who cleans the toilets? - Toilets and the remainder of the housework is a constant issue. It all needs to get done and it's not the most fun. Setup a plan for this in the beginning. My suggestion is a weekly rotation - perhaps you'll come up with something different. The point of this is to set the expectation on both sides so that someone doesn't feel like a housekeeper. Chores need to be shared regardless of the work and income situation. Being a woman doesn't mean the wife has to handle at all.

4. The plan: In talking to people, it became pretty apparent that their initial goals were in line but after the kids are born and careers take off, there is a fork in the road. I agree that all plans change and there is no way to write a script for your marriage but a lot of the confusion can be removed by having a 1, 3, 6 and 9 year plan. You should have this conversation now and then revisit it all the time. This does not mean you only review goals at these intervals. These are simply due dates.
I am often questioned as to why 1,3,6,9.

1 Year Plan: This one is obvious. After the wedding, where will you live, where will you eventually live. Who handles what, what is the combined income, what can we afford etc.

At 3 years: You are no longer newlyweds and you are perhaps considering kids. Heck, you may already have a kid at this point. You need a plan for that, a plan for who works, who stays home, what type of daycare, etc. This is also around the time that your first condo or "couple's house" loses it appeal. What kind of house do we want? Where? Can we afford that? How are the schools? What is Plan B if someone gets fired? Do we know what utilities cost?

6 years: We have all heard of the 7 year itch. Therefore, it stands to reason that you have a plan set with a deadline of 6 years. Where do you want the marriage to be in 6 years? Communication habits, sex life, careers...everything. Talk about it now and periodically consider making adjustments based on the the success of your approach. Plans are meant to be changed.

9 years: Again, where do you want to the marriage to be in 9 years? Why? What will life be like? How many kids will we have by then? Are we sending them to public school? What if someone's parent dies?

5. Holidays - Just discuss how and where you will celebrate holidays. This is a battle for nearly everyone I know.

6. Discipline - Are we spanking the kids, are we talking and coaching or are we doing both? No matter how happy you are now, if you're against physical discipline and your spouse is not, you will slowly learn to resent and dislike him/her each time a spanking is doled out. Discuss it NOW and avoid a surprise.

Ok, religion - How important is it and how will we teach the kids?

Communications, cheating - I don't care how many conversations you have, no one will ever openly state that they "may cheat". A key here is to be undoubtedly sure that the precedent is set for open communication. If a wife is not happy, the FIRST action on her part should be to talk to the husband (and vice versa). The only way to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. If you become enraged every time your spouse tries to talk to you, you are pushing away an opportunity to fix a problem. Take time out and actually LISTEN. Marriage is not an argument or a punishment unless you make it one.
There are clearly a lot of other things to consider. Bad choices are going to made regardless of how thorough you plan; that's life. You wouldn't go on a 1,500 mile road trip without putting some thought into it and your marriage should be thought of in the same way. By planning and talking, the aim is to minimize the possible obstacles by first identifying them and getting them out in the open before they reach a critical, war-type, level.
What do you wish you discussed or planned before tying the knot? Feel free to leave an anonymous comment - perhaps it will help others.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Do you know how to work with difficult people? How many of these personalities do you recognize?

The Know-It-AllsThey're arrogant and usually have an opinion on every issue. When they're wrong, they get defensive.
The PassivesThese people never offer ideas or let you know where they stand.
The DictatorsThey bully and intimidate. They're constantly demanding and brutally critical.
The GripersIs anything ever right with them? They prefer complaining to finding solutions.
The "Yes" PeopleThey agree to any commitment, yet rarely deliver. You can't trust them to follow through.
The "No" PeopleThey are quick to point out why something won't work. Worse, they're inflexible.


Of course you recognize them. They're the people you work with, sell to, depend on, live with. Learn to deal with them quickly and confidently at Dealing with Difficult People.


Concrete techniques for dealing with difficult people in the workplace and at home

Never again fall victim to those who love to make life miserable for the rest of us. This training gives you concrete techniques for dealing with difficult people in the workplace and at home. It provides specific strategies for getting adversaries to cooperate ... bullies to back off ... wallflowers to open up ... chronic complainers to quiet down. Knowing how to deal with difficult people at work will allow you to approach your job with more enjoyment and your coworkers with greater confidence. Cooperation, collaboration, and compromise will improve — and that makes for a more productive and efficient workplace for everyone.

HOW TO MAKE PARENTS PROUD

Parents constantly worry about the well-being and happiness of their children. They are also concerned about how you are going to make a place for yourself in the world. You can honor their hard work and their love for you by making them proud.

Instructions

Step1 Appreciate everything your parents do for you. Your parents began making sacrifices before you were even born. Show them that you are thankful for providing you with a safe and loving home.

Step2 Share your thoughts and ideas. Parents want to know what is going on in your life. They are not intentionally nosy or prying, but simply trying to be a part of your life.

Step3 Give it your all in whatever you do. Your parents would rather see you try and fail than not try at all. You can always please your parents by doing your best because they know that you aren’t a quitter and refuse to give up.

Step4 Ask for help if you need it rather than risk making a bad choice or wrong decision. You are a kid, and it is okay to get a little guidance from someone who has been there before. Your parents would rather you realize and admit you are in a tough situation rather than muddle it out on your own and possibly hurt yourself or others.

Step5 Show respect not only to your parents, but to others as well. The old adage "do until others as you would have them do unto you" really does ring true. By treating others, especially your parents, the same way you would like to be treated, your parents will be proud of the person you are becoming.

Step6 Be considerate. Show your parents that while you know you are their number one responsibility, you are not their only responsibility. Your parents will appreciate that you understand they have to sometimes juggle schedules or save money before buying you something you want.

Step7 Act responsibly. Your parents might test you as you grow older to see if you are ready to be responsible for yourself. It helps prepare you for adulthood. Make your parents feel they made the right decision by not letting them down with whatever responsibilities they give you.

BEFORE YOU SAY GOODBYE

LOVE is incredibly beautiful when it works well. It is exciting, growth giving and just about the most wonderful thing that can happen to you in your whole life . . . that is when it works.

Unlike in the movies, however, love doesn’t always have a happy ending. More than half of all the weddings that will take place this year in America will end up in divorce. And 60 percent of those who divorce and remarry will divorce a second time. So love isn’t all peaches and cream.
When it does not work out, it crushes you. It makes you the most miserable person on the planet. Love gone wrong is messy, disruptive and an emotional killer. You get so hurt that you will need time to recover after the breakup. And some people never recover and never again will dare to love.

My long experience in counseling people about troubled relationships tells me that it is always less painful when a separation happens if you are the one to pull the plug. The one who initiates the breakup will usually recover more quickly than the one who did not want to separate but had no choice.

Relationships do not crash overnight, even if it may seem so. Though the end may come quickly and unexpectedly like lightning on a clear day, the fact is that there are usually many warning signs for the partner to see . . . that is if she wants to see.

People who get shocked when the partner suddenly walks away will find many red flags if they look back on the relationship. Lovers and spouses who fall out of love will give signals that they are on the way out.

The heart leaves the relationship before the person says goodbye. In fact, if you examine carefully a failed relationship, you will see a succession of warning signs that appeared weeks, months, even years before the actual separation took place. For most people (the decent ones) ending a love relationship is no small thing. It means the end of a great emotional, time consuming personal investment. It means shattered expectations and no small measure of unhappiness.

If there are children involved, then, everything gets even more complicated. He may not love you anymore, but still be very much concerned about the children. He might agonize for quite a while before making the jump out of the relationship. Leaving you might mean rarely ever seeing the kids again and that would make any man who cares for his children hesitate and think long and hard before leaving. But leave they do and when all is said and done, there is hurt all around. That is why you need to stay alert and watch for those telltale signs that indicate your partner is thinking of leaving.

Friday, May 16, 2008

THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE

What are the most important things in life? What do the proverbs, the wise sayings of man through the ages, have to say on this point? Let us search them. If we did so we would come up with the following list:

- sufficient food to eat
- a good wife (or mate)
- good health
- a good conscience
- a good name
- wisdom, good sense, spiritual truth, understanding of life

Now let us ask another question. What things are most commonly pursued by man? What does the common, ordinary man pursue in life? We can list them:
- temporary pleasure (gratification of appetites)
- material possessions, wealth - social position, being "important"
- friendship, friends, acceptance by a group

When we ask the question "What are the important things in life?" what we really mean is: "What things in life bring the best happiness?" Both are just different ways of phrasing the same question.

What a person pursues in life depends on what he values. His values, basic tastes and preferences, determine his priorities and the way he occupies himself and spends his time. The most basic, underlying values of the wise man are Wisdom, Justice, Goodness, and Virtue. These are his first loves. They are what drive him, determining his tastes and preferences. The ordinary man, however, has as his first love pleasure and the other things we have listed. He occupies himself with the pursuit of Thrill and Temporary Pleasure. He focuses on the temporary pleasures available to him through catering to his base appetites. He spends his time in front of a TV set watching programs that excite his fantasies and provide him temporary thrills and erotic pleasure; he finds his pleasure in eating, sex, gambling, coarse humor, alcohol and drugs. The wise man, on the other hand, is driven by a different set of tastes and preferences, likes and dislikes. He is attracted to that which gives spiritual understanding. He is interested in the serious questions of life and society. He is interested in the problems of his fellow man. He is interested in the dilemmas of life --- spiritual, moral, economic, etc.. He is interested in spiritual and moral truth. And he tends to prefer activities that aid him in these interests -- that provide insight, knowledge, perspective, etc.. He is likely to be a lover of reflection and also of books.

What are the pitfalls of the pursuits of the common man? The problem with these pursuits is that that most of them are both illusory and, at least when taken to excess, self-destructive. And that they tend to sidetrack his energies and attention from the thing that is really important in life: the pursuit of wisdom and spiritual truth.

The truth of the matter is that the path of temporary pleasure is often filled with snares and traps. Very often it is a very different one from the one dictated by wisdom and prudence and one is forced to choose. And the way one chooses shows what kind of person he is.

GREED

Something not needed

Greed is when I want something that I do not really need. I want it just to possess it. So what is the value of that? A common reason is to be able to boast and show off to others, hence increasing my sense of identity (my sense of control is also enhanced because I have it and they do not).

Something for nothing

Greed is also a form of hope where the expected reward is typically far in excess of the time and cost expected to be invested. It is very commonly leveraged in many kinds of persuasion. Just look at the use of the word 'free' in advertising. Look at the stimulation of greed in many forms of selling, get-rich-quick schemes and gambling.

It typically involves making the other person believe that they are getting an incredible bargain (often without your apparent knowledge). Of course, they don't get what they had hoped for, but they will do a great deal for you if they think you can give them something for virtually nothing.

So what?

Stimulate greed by dangling something desirable just out of reach perhaps letting the other person get a taste of it from time to time. Show how other people might just get it instead of them. Then when they are desperate for it, use getting it as a condition for you getting what you really want.

Be aware of what greed feels like in yourself. If you let it get the better of you, you are likely to end up paying what you can't afford for what you really don't need.

Gambling dens

As a very real example of managed hope in action, look no further than the nearest casino or gambling parlor. Casinos dangle large sums and glittering prizes whilst making the hoping as pleasant as possible with salubrious surroundings, free drinks, attractive members of the opposite sex and so on.

The gamblers are trapped in a cocoon of warmth as their money is steadily leeched away from them (note how the reality of money itself is hidden behind tokens and credit, preventing the unreality bubble from being burst).

HOPE

What is hope?

Hope happens when someone sees something, decides that it is desirable, realizes that they may not get it, but believes that there is still a chance of getting it.

To put it tersely, though perhaps in a complex way, hope is expectation moderated by probabilistic estimation of a desired event.

For hope to be a strong force for tension, the person's estimation that the desired event will occur must be both high enough for them to consider there to be a reasonable chance of it happening, yet not so high that they become complacent.

Charles Revson, founder of the famous Revlon cosmetics empire famously said that what he sold was 'hope'.

Fear

Fear is a form of negative hope. Both are forms of anticipation as we forecast the future and experience emotions in line with our predictions.

The sliding scale

Hope is not a single thing. It is more of a sliding scale that ranges across a scale from virtual certainty to utter desperation. It can range within a single conversation across this whole spectrum. You can raise a person's hope, dash it on the rocks of uncertainty, raise it out of the waters and toss it around until the other person will grasp at whatever straw you throw at them.

The hope curve

The actual hope that people feel does not necessarily match the real probability of success. Typically we feel optimistic or pessimistic at the extremes.

At zero probability, we are realistically pessimistic, and we stay this way until there is sufficient probability to break out of the fear of loss. As the event becomes more likely, we become disproportionately optimistic.

Types of hope

There are (at least) three types of hope:

Desperation

Desperate hope is when a deep need is felt. Someone who is desperate will do almost anything to satisfy the hope (with 'almost anything' being in proportion to the level of desperation).

Optimism

Whereas desperate hope often has a negative connotation, optimistic hope is often positive. In both cases, the probability of achieving the hoped-for thing can be very variable, often sitting at a very low probability of occurring.

Realistic hope

Realistic hope is based on a fair estimation of probabilities. Thus, if something is over (say) 50% likely, then I might realistically hope that it will happen.

Hope as a destination

Robert Louis Stevenson said 'It is better to travel hopefully than arrive', indicating how hope can be a pleasant in itself. In particular, hope is often tinged with the fear both that you will not get what you want, and also that even when you achieve your goal, it will not be as perfect as your fantasized eventualities.

As a result, many people are happy just to hope. All you need to do is offer them this, as all casinos do to their hapless customers. Many such punters will merrily gamble away until their money is all gone, then return time and again just to experience that temporary thrill of hope.

So what?

Use hope in persuasion through the non-linear relationship between perception and reality. Build optimism by showing how real the chances of success are. Move people away from things by highlighting the chances of failure.

Beware, however, of betrayal effects. If the other person's hopes are dashed and you are perceived as the culprit, then you will become the target of their revenge.

Making up

Charles Revson, the founder of the Revlon cosmetics company, once famously commented that what they really sold was hope. (For some it is realistic hope, for others it is perhaps more like desperation.) Paradoxically make-up can also sow false seeds of hope in the other party. If I wear make-up, I am actually selling myself as more than I really am. There have been many cracks about the other person being beautiful the night before but not the morning after.

Gambling dens

As a very real example of managed hope in action, look no further than the nearest casino or gambling den. Casinos dangle large sums and glittering prizes whilst making the hoping as pleasant as possible with salubrious surroundings, free drinks, attractive members of the opposite sex and so on.

The gamblers are trapped in a cocoon of warmth as their money is steadily leeched away from them (note how the reality of money itself is hidden behind tokens and credit, preventing the unreality bubble from being burst).

THE SEVEN VIRTUES

When Pope Gregory defined the seven deadly sins that we should avoid, he also included a counter-balancing set of values that we should espouse and adopt. These are:

  1. Faith is belief in the right things (including the virtues!).
  2. Hope is taking a positive future view, that good will prevail.
  3. Charity is concern for, and active helping of, others.
  4. Fortitude is never giving up.
  5. Justice is being fair and equitable with others.
  6. Prudence is care of and moderation with money.
  7. Temperance is moderation of needed things and abstinence from things which are not needed.

The first three of these are known as the Spiritual Virtues, whilst the last four are called the Chief or Natural Virtues. The Natural Virtues had already been defined by Greek philosophers, whilst the Spiritual Virtues are a slight variation on St. Paul's trio of Love, Hope and Faith (due to variation in translation from the original: Charity and Love arguably have a high level of overlap).

There are also a number of other sets of virtues, including:

  • The Seven Contrary Virtues which are specific opposites to the Seven Deadly Sins: Humility against pride, Kindness against envy, Abstinence against gluttony, Chastity against lust, Patience against anger, Liberality against greed, and Diligence against sloth.
  • The Theological Virtues: Love, Hope and Faith, as defined by St. Paul (who placed love as the greatest of them all).
  • The four Cardinal Virtues: Prudence, Temperance, Courage and Justice.
  • The Seven Heavenly Virtues: Faith, Hope, Charity, Fortitude, Justice, Temperance, Prudence.
  • The Seven Corporal Works of Mercy are a medieval list of things you can do to help others: feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, give shelter to strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick, minister to prisoners, and bury the dead.
  • The Seven Bushido Virtues: Right decisions, Valor, Benevolence, Respect, Honesty, Honor, and Loyalty.

So what?

If you follow the virtues, you will be seen as a good person who is to be trusted. If you assume and act as if others follow the virtues, then they are more likely to do so.

You can also be seen as being bold and daring if you break the virtues. Many modern groups (most notably youth) deliberately form their own identity by going against the values of others, so be aware of the other person's real values.

...EMOTIONS...

Emotions are our feelings. Literally. We feel them in our bodies as tingles, hot spots and muscular tension. There are cognitive aspects, but the physical sensation is what makes them really different.

Articles on emotion include:

A basic of much emotional arousal is that there is a goal at stake somewhere. Our emotions thus cause us to want and not want. And when we have what we wanted, we then have emotions about owning it.

Emotions often lead to coping activities. When we feel something, we consequently respond to that feeling. This can be both in the immediate (and often subconscious) response to the feeling and also in the more thoughtful handling of the aftermath. Where this has been a negative feeling, the response may range from vigorous justification of our actions to conciliatory apologies and other 'making up'. A common response to the repression of unwanted emotions is displacement, where we act out our frustration in other ways. Thus a reprimanded child, knowing they cannot answer back, may go and 'punish' their toys.

Emotions affect and are a part of our mood, which is usually a more sustained emotional state. Mood affects our judgment and changes how we process decisions.

So what?

So manage emotions, both yours and theirs. In negotiations, the person gets their way is often the person who has greatest emotional control.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

TIME MANAGEMENT TIPS: SET YOUR PRIORITIES

How to Determine Priorities

Below are three Rs. They will help you start to find out where your focus should be. Knowing your priorities then will help you schedule your time better. Ask yourself these questions and see if they help you.

  • Reward: What gives me the greatest joy? Finally, as you sort through your personal priorities, look of the element of personal fulfillment. There is deep satisfaction in doing what you are gifted, and perhaps even "called" to do. There is nothing easier than not finding time to do the things you don't want to do.
  • Requirement: What is required of me? When you feel overwhelmed by obligations, stop and sort out your "must dos" from your "choose to dos" Our obligations in life are the biggest priorities we have, but more often than not, you will find that you really do not have to do many things; you choose to do them. Simply ask: what must I do? What is required of me here?
  • Results: What gives the greatest return? When sorting our priorities, ask the question: What brings the greatest results when I do it? You should spend most of your time working in the area of your greatest strength. He is a wise man who wastes no energy on pursuits for which he is not fitted; and he is wiser still who from among the things he can do well, chooses and follows the best. Find your gift and capitalize your time using it.

Checklist for making decisions

  • Is this consistent with my priorities?
  • Is this within my area of competence?
  • Can someone else do it better?
  • What do my trusted friends say?

Too Much On Your Plate? How to Say "No" Gracefully

Many times the problem we have is not that we have much to do, but moreso that other people have too much they think we should do. In times like this, when the task would not further your goal you need to just say "no." However, many times, the way you say no is just as important as when you say it.

  • Say no to the proposition - not to the person. Make sure the person understands that you are not rejecting them, just what they want you to do. Try giving them an affirmation about what they are doing, but that it just doesn't' fit in with the things you need to accomplish.

  • Respond in terms of the best interest of the person asking. Make sure the person knows that you are not just blowing them off, but that you genuinely want to help them. Communicate that your time constraints would actually prevent you from doing the kind of work they deserve.

  • Defer creatively. Come up with an alternative. Think of some what that would help them complete their task. Give them confidence that they can do it, or that you can help find someone who will. This will aid them in finding a solution to their problem.

Making the Most of Your Time

  • Make "to do" lists: Write out what you want to accomplish.

  • Set your priorities: After you make a list, find the most important things in that list and put them at the top.

  • Avoid perfectionism: Don't aim to do something perfectly if it ties up too much time and paralyzes you from progress. Do things with excellence, but perfectionism may be an extreme you need to avoid.

  • Question everything: Don't allow any "sacred cows" to keep you from eliminating items from your calendar and "to do" lists. If it doesn't work, get rid of it.

  • Welcome tension: Stressing out about something doesn't' get you any closer to completing your goal. Have the understanding that tension is a part of life. Many times however, tension can actually improve your focus and enable you to complete the job more effectively.

  • Avoid clutter: Clutter will just get in the way of what you are doing. Try not to waste time in searching for things. Have a place for everything, and everything in its place.

  • Avoid procrastination: Don't just do what is fun first, get what needs to be done first, done first!

  • Control interruptions and distractions and minimize the amount of time that people take you away from your main objective. Block out time to get away and pursue your priorities.

  • Learn to read faster and selectively: Reading quickly as well as understanding what to read will give you more time to accomplish your goal.

  • Use a calendar: Organizing your days and weeks will save you time, and help you organize your priorities.
"Try not to be a success, but rather, become a man of value.

ARE YOU A BOSS...??? OR A LEADER...???


  • A Boss creates Fear...
  • A Leader creates Confidence...
  • A Boss creates Resentments...
  • A Leader creates Enthusiasm...
  • A Boss knows How...
  • A Leader shows How...
  • A Boss says "I"...
  • A Leader says "We"...
  • A Boss fixes Blames...
  • A Leader fixes Mistakes...
  • A Boss makes work Drudgery...
  • A Leader makes work Interesting...
  • A Boss relies on Authority...
  • A Leader relies on Cooperation...
  • A Boss Drives...
  • A Leader LEADS...

SPIRITUAL GIFTS


"CHOOSE WHICH GIFT YOU HAVE AND FOCUS"

Definitions:

A spiritual gift is an ability given by the Holy Spirit to express our faith effectively (in word and in deed) for the strengthening of someone else's faith.

Gift of the Spirit are special abilities provided by the Holy Spirit to Christians for the purpose of building up the body of Christ.

List of Spiritual Gifts based on Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12-14, Ephesians 4, 1 Peter 4:10-11:

1. Apostle: One sent by God with a holy mission to fulfill; and the supernatural power and spiritual gifts to fulfill the mission. An apostolic team shared a 'measure of rule' in churches started through their ministry in regions where they are the first to proclaim the Gospel of Christ. (II Corinthians 10)
2.Prophet : One who speaks, or communicates a message, authoritatively, as moved by the Holy Spirit.
3.Evangelist: Someone who desires that all should come to know the truth of the Gospel.
4.Pastor: A word that means "shepherd". Pastors are gifted to lead, guide, and set an example for other Christians.
5.Teacher: Someone able to understand the more difficult things to God and explain them in a way that is easy to understand and live by in daily life.
6.Service: Supernatural ability to do for others whatever needs to be done. Divine ability to carry other burden or task without notice or earthly reward.
7.Exhortation: The ability to motivate Christians to do the works of Christ.
8.Giving: Being blessed by God with resources or time and being able to give them where and when they are needed with a cheerful heart.
9.Leadership: God-given insight into when something needs to be done, who can do it, how it can be completed, and how to lead those people to get it accomplished.
10.Mercy: A heart to care for and encourage those who are not able to care for themselves and whom no one else would care for. Knowing who to help and when to help.
11.Word of Wisdom: A message, concept, or bit of wisdom that God revels supernaturally to the recipient. It may or may not be shared with other.
12.Word of Knowledge: A message, concept, or bit of knowledge that God reveals supernaturally to the recipient. It may or may not be shared with others.
13.Tongues: The supernatural ability to speak another language not known by the believer speaking it to build up the body of Christ when the message is interpreted.
14.Interpretation of tongues: Supernatural ability to make tongues a clear message to all that are present to edify, exhort and comfort the body of Christ.
15.Prophecy: Supernatural ability to receive an message from God to edify, exhort and comfort the body o Christ or a believer.
16.Working of miracles: The ability to perform supernatural acts by the Spirit of God.
17.Gifts of healing: Supernatural ability to bring or release healing to a person in their body or soul.
18.Ability to distinguish between spirits: Supernatural ability to know what is from God and what is not from God. Divine ability to revel a demonic spirit or influence and bring God's power (Jesus blood) and God's love (Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection) in its place.
19.Faith: Vision to see what God can do and believing that He can and will do it. (Hebrew 11).







FOR HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIPS: 15 AFFIRMATIONS

Humans are relational beings, and most of us would like our relationships with others to be deeper, richer, more easeful, and healthy.

These affirmations are good reminders of the steps we can take–the qualities we can embody–in order to being our relationships into the best possible balance and health. Read them here:

1. I am loving and kind toward myself and others.

2. I am cooperative.

3. I give and receive the support that is needed.

4. I am fully honest with myself and others.

5. I am independent.

6. I respect the choices of others.

7. I listen with an open heart.

8. I say “no” when I need to.

9. I ask for support when I need it.

10. I am sensitive and respectful of others.

11. I am clear and express my truth in a timely manner.

12. I respond to conflict gracefully, truthfully, and easily.

13. I remember that conflict is an opportunity to learn; I welcome reconciliation.

14. I am enriched by differences.

15. I am ethical.

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.



When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.



He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."



The LORD replied:


"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."


PARABLE OF THE LOST SON

The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) is perhaps better named the parable of the lost son, since it is designed to go with the parables of the lost sheep (verses 3-7) and lost coin (verses 8-10). Some have even called it the parable of the prodigal father, because of the father's extravagance. Even today, after centuries of teaching about God's grace, the father's willingness to forgive his runaway son is shockingly generous.

This is Jesus' longest parable: 22 verses. Let's go through the parable, noting its story, its organization and its lessons.

Historical background and observations

1. Return of the lost son — verses 11-24

A. Departure of the younger son — verses 11-16

There was a man — A standard introduction to a parable. Who had two sons — The first parable in this chapter had one of 100 getting lost, the second parable one in 10, this one has one out of two becoming lost. The sequence emphasizes the magnitude of the lost son. To lose half your sons would be a tragedy, and regaining half would likewise be a greater cause for rejoicing.

The younger son — There's no mention of a wife, so he would probably have been 18-20. His youth isn't emphasized, but younger sons may be more likely to be foolish and older sons more likely to look down on a brother. Figuratively, the older son could represent the Pharisees and the younger one the newly religious Jews Jesus was teaching (verse 1). In the early church, the older son may have been seen as corresponding to the Jews and the younger son to Gentiles.

"Give me my share of the estate" — Inheritances were normally given only when the father died. The son's demand (not a request) for an early distribution was unusual and frowned upon. Traditionally, firstborn sons were given twice as much as other sons, but we don't know if this was always done in Jesus' day. If so, the younger son would have received one third of the estate. The amount isn't stressed. Nor are we told how the property was divided. Such details are ignored because they aren't part of the point.

Divided his property — Early distribution of the estate normally meant that the father continued to receive the benefits of the estate as long as he lived. (Hence the father could kill the fatted calf without asking the older son who owned it.) The younger son didn't just receive surplus property; it was part of the father's source of income. (The word for property is bios, meaning "the resources which one has as a means of living" (J. Louw and E. Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, volume 1, page 560, 57.18.) If a son sold land, the new owner could not use it until the father died. Again, such details are glossed over because they are not part of the point. Between them — The older son also received his share.

Not long after that — His departure was probably not surprising. His desire for his inheritance indicated he wanted to strike out on his own rather than continue being part of the family. He was insulting the family as well as injuring it. A distant country — A Gentile country. Many Jews lived in Gentile areas. Squandered his wealth in wild living — Not only did he waste the money, he sinned in the process. However, his sins aren't specified. Luke doesn't emphasize the sinning as much as he does losing the money. This is consistent with Luke's interest in possessions and poverty. Perhaps the prodigal son was trying to make friends by spending money on them.

Spent everything...began to be in need — His poverty is emphasized, not any deficiency in character. Luke is emphasizing his lostness, not his guilt.

To feed pigs — He had an unclean occupation, abandoning religious scruples, but still the emphasis seems to be on his poverty (hunger, verse 16) rather than sin.

He longed to fill his stomach with the pods — As if he wasn't allowed to eat the carob-tree pods! A servant would have received some pay. Jesus is painting a hypothetical, not an actual story, to emphasize the son's desperate plight. No one gave him anything — He received no alms (one of Luke's interests). His former friends did not help him.

B. The son decides to return — verses 17-20

When he came to his senses — This pivotal verse changes the direction of the story. "When" (rather than "it so happened that") seems to imply that his sanity was inevitable. "Repentance" is not used. My father's hired men — He contrasts himself, a hired servant of a Gentile, to his father's servants, who had plenty to eat. Food to spare...starving to death — Though the setting of the story is sin and repentance (verses 1-2), the story emphasizes financial destitution rather than moral corruption. "Starving" is another exaggeration. If he had been near starvation, he would not have had the strength to be able to travel back home.

Set out and go — Literally, "rising up, I will go." Commentators say this was a translation of an Aramaic idiom for go immediately. But "arise" may also hint at a rising in state of life.

Sinned against heaven — "Heaven" is a euphemism for God — used perhaps because the father represents God in the story. Specific sins aren't mentioned except in the accusations of the older brother (verse 30). And against you — He acknowledged his affront to the family — wasting the family's wealth.

No longer worthy to be called your son — This could be in a legal and a moral sense: He had no rights for further inheritance, and his behavior had not been up to family standards. Make me like one of your hired men — He was willing to earn his keep by serving the family (which would have meant serving his older brother, too). "Hired men" is misthioi, contract laborers, probably farmhands, not the douloi, household bondservants, mentioned in verse 22.

C. Reception by the father — verses 20-24

While he was still a long way off, his father saw him — Some commentators say this implies that the father was continually watching for the return of his son. This is conjectural; the text says nothing about watching, nor does it add a word like "when" to imply inevitability. It says: "The son being yet far off, his father saw him." Certainly, the father was extremely willing to seek reconciliation — seeing the son far away shows that (as do later verses), without any need to add the idea of watching.

Compassion...ran — These words emphasize the father's enthusiasm. In ancient societies, it was considered undignified for an older man to pull up his robes to run. His actions, representative of God's feelings for repentant sinners, show enthusiastic acceptance, love and joy. Kiss — Perhaps a sign of forgiveness (cf. 2 Samuel 14:33). The son didn't finish his speech, perhaps because he was cut short by his father.

Best robe...ring — Both robe and ring may allude to Joseph's promotion to authority (Genesis 41:42). Robes were given to honored guests; the ring was a signet ring, indicating authority. Sandals — Servants did not wear sandals; only family members did.

Fattened calf — Meat was eaten primarily on festivals, and calves would be fattened for such feasts, so perhaps the celebration here hints at a religious reconciliation. The celebration corresponds to the "rejoice" of the parables of the lost sheep and coin.

This son of mine was dead — In what way was he dead? Here are two possibilities: 1) The father heard about the famine, hadn't heard from his son in a long time, and thought he had died. 2) Perhaps he counted him metaphorically dead because he had become as a Gentile. Some Jews conducted funerals for children who married Gentiles. But the father doesn't seem to be the type to disown his son.

2. Conflict with the older son

A. The older son comes home — verses 25-27

So far, this parable has been parallel to the first two parables; the lost has been found and there is rejoicing. Now the older son is introduced for an additional lesson in the parable. In some ways this is two parables in one, both parts ending with the statement about dead and alive, lost and found. Both sons are lost — one who left home (like the sheep that was lost in v. 4) and one who was lost even while at home (like the coin in v. 8). Both the "sinners" and the Pharisees were separated from God — the first ones are visibly lost, the others still live at home — but both are welcomed when they turn to God.

The older son's arrival on the scene is odd; normally a servant would have been sent to get him at the start. But in the parable it is as if the older son found out about the party by accident. Some commentators say this implies the son was out of touch with his father, estranged in attitude or too addicted to work. This seems to read too many details into the story.

The older son is contrasted to the younger: The younger starts the story by leaving home, the older starts by returning. The younger then decides to go home, the older refuses to enter. The younger wants to be his father's servant, the older son resents being a servant. The younger son admits guilt; the older one insists on his own innocence.

The servant (pais, a child or servant) describes the younger son as "safe and sound," or in health; this is less dramatic than the father's comment about dead and alive. The servant is matter-of-fact; the father is elated.

B. Complaint of the older son — verses 28-30

The older son became angry — in contrast to his father's compassion — and he did not want to go in despite knowing his father's will. His father went out — in contrast to the older son's unwillingness to come in. The father went out, just as he had done for the younger son. Pleaded with him — The father eagerly desired for the older son to share his joy. Normally a son would simply do what his father said to do; here the older son is disobedient. The older son had inherited his father's estate, but not his attitude of mercy.

Look! — The older son starts abruptly, hinting of disrespect, frustration and impatience. I've been slaving for you — The verb is douleun , related to doulos, servant. His relationship to his father was based on work, not love. Never disobeyed — until now.

You never gave me even a young goat — Yet a goat is of lesser value than a calf. But the father would have given a goat if the son had asked (verse 31). The son felt unappreciated and unrewarded; his complaint suggests that he had a long-smoldering resentment. He complained about the extra given to the younger — similar to the workers in the vineyard who complained about a days' wage being given to those who worked only one hour.

This son of yours — The older brother doesn't say "my brother"; it is as if he no longer claims him. Squandered — Literally, "devoured," an ironic word for a hungry man. Your property — This continues the emphasis on physical possessions. The younger son had wasted part of the family estate, failing in his duty to provide for his father. With prostitutes — Did the older son really know how his brother had spent the money? Perhaps the waste had begun before the son left home, or perhaps some reports had come back from the far country. Both are possible, but the story says nothing about it. This suggests that the older son was making an unsubstantiated accusation.

C. Response of the father — verses 31-32

My son — The usual word for "son" in this parable is huios; here it is teknon, "child," a term of affection. Everything I have is yours — The older son will get the entire inheritance. Some commentators speculate about the legal status of the property rights and whether the younger son could have inherited something, but the parable says nothing about it. Inheritance details are not the point; acceptance or reconciliation is. Older sons inherited twice as much as other sons because they had a responsibility to the family. The older son would have had a duty to take care of a brother who fell on hard times. But the older son was not willing to accept this responsibility; he simply wanted the property.

We had to celebrate — The word edei is used, meaning "it was necessary." Rejoicing about the return of a lost person isn't just an option; it is a necessity. This brother of yours — Not "my son," but "your brother." The father reminded the older son of his family responsibility. The implication is that it is necessary for him to rejoice.

What this parable teaches us about God

The context helps us understand the lessons of the parable. Verses 1-2 tell us that sinners and tax collectors were being taught by Jesus. Pharisees then criticized Jesus — not for teaching them, but for eating with them, which was a sign of social acceptance. The Pharisees tried hard to be righteous, and they were disturbed that Jesus accepted people who hadn't been trying hard. Perhaps they were worried that Jesus was making it too easy on people, and his acceptance might encourage others to be lazy.

Jesus then gave the parables of the lost sheep and the lost coin, both illustrating the point that God rejoices about each sinner who repents. "There will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent" (verse 7). There's no such thing as a person who has no need for repentance, but the Pharisees weren't yet aware of that. There would be rejoicing for them, too, if they would accept it.

The parable of the lost son continues the theme of rejoicing and adds to it. The first half of the parable illustrates rejoicing over a sinner who returned; the second half more directly addresses the situation Jesus faced: criticism about his willingness to be with sinners. Jesus, by telling the parable the way he did, chides those who do not rejoice about the sinners' interest in being taught (figuratively, returning to God).

In the first two parables, the lost were found by searching. But the younger son was found by waiting. The spiritually lost were already coming to Jesus; he didn't need to seek them out. They had been spiritually dead and were now showing interest — they wanted to be taught by Jesus. Jesus received them and ate with them. His reception would have encouraged them to keep the laws they already knew and to continue to listen to him for more instruction in God's way.

But the parable is not just about Jesus in the first century; it is a timeless message about God the Father. He rejoices over (cf. the celebration) and honors (cf. the robe, ring and sandals) every sinner who repents. He doesn't wait for a full and formal apology; he perceives the attitude and comes toward us. This theme of joyful acceptance, similar to that of the first two parables of this chapter, dominates the first part of this parable. This is the lesson illustrated by the father: He is always ready to welcome a returning child.

The parable shows that sinners can confess and return to God. Since God is gracious, sinners can return to him with confidence that he will warmly welcome them. But in the parable, financial destitution is more prominent than moral fault. Unlike the first two parables, the word repent is not used; only superficial reasons are given for the son's return. As Jesus spoke to the Pharisees, encouraging sinners to return was not the main issue; the main issue was what to do about sinners who were already willing to return.

Most importantly, the parable shows that God's people should rejoice at a) the willingness of sinners to turn to God and b) the willingness of God to receive them. This is the lesson of the second half of the parable, illustrated by the father's correction of his older son. This theme most directly addresses the setting of the parable, the Pharisees' criticism of Jesus' reception of sinners. The parables of the lost sheep and lost coin and the first half of the parable of the lost son are preparatory to this main point.

These themes are timeless. God rejoices over each person who repents, and so should we. We need not kill a calf for repentant persons (Jesus didn't; the parable illustrates the attitude of rejoicing, not the specific actions we should take). We need to accept repentant sinners to social fellowship (cf. eating with them, verse 2) and religious instruction (cf. allowing them to listen, verse 1). This particular parable does not say we should seek outcasts (that is shown better by the parables of lost sheep and lost coin), but that we should be happy when they come to us to be taught.

In effect, Jesus' story shows that it is ungodly to refuse to rejoice about repentance. The Pharisees, by insisting on a too-strict standard of righteousness, were being unrighteous. They, too, needed to repent.

Epilogue

The parable ends without revealing what the older son did. Would the hard-hearted son change his mind and rejoice about his brother's return? For the situation in Jesus' day, either response was still possible — it was up to the Pharisees. Would they rejoice with Jesus? History shows that some did and some did not.

Similarly, the parable does not reveal what the younger son did. Did he abuse his second chance? That also reflects the situation Jesus was in. Would the tax collectors and sinners continue in their repentance? It was not yet known. Nevertheless, it is appropriate — no, necessary — to rejoice at their first change of heart, rather than waiting for some probationary period.